2008 Woodie Awards
Nobody's perfect
Michael Golden
Issue date: 5/1/08 Section: Opinion
Shocking though it may seem, I'm not actually perfect-I do, in fact, have some minor character flaws. As my editors, friends and parents know, procrastination is one of my biggest weaknesses. Something most people don't know is that I also have a teensy anger management problem.
The fact that, more often than not, my anger is directed at inanimate objects is the reason most people (even those close to me) don't know about my issues. Here's a quick test to see if you're safe from my anger: Are you reading this column? Are you a freaky robot-cyborg that can read columns? If you answered "yes" to the first and "no" to the second, you should be safe. Even if you did answer "yes" to the second you should be safe, because I'd have to be crazy to get angry at a cyborg.
The sources of most of my anger comes from video games, faulty electronics and, occasionally, poor-playing sports teams. Out of these, video games are the biggest problem. I'm a pretty competitive person, and I hate losing. When I'm playing with my friends, it's not that bad because, let's face it, I'm usually better than they are and for the most part they are gracious winners, so I can handle the occasional loss. Playing against the computer or people online is a different story. Losing leads to anger, anger leads to playing worse, playing worse leads to more losing, which, in turn, leads to things breaking.
Speaking of which, I usually vent my anger in two different ways: verbal or physical abuse. I'm sure that more than one of my neighbors in Guinan have been stirred from their sleep at 3 a.m. by my muffled curses. My swearing has gotten so bad recently that my Lenten promise the last three years to give up swear words.
While it's video games that most often raise my ire, they rarely suffer the brunt of my anger. After all, if I broke them I couldn't have any more "fun." I did, however, feel safe throwing my old gray-brick Gameboy around, seeing as it was virtually indestructible. Therefore, it's generally the furniture that suffers my wrath. Chairs, desks, tables, books, floors, walls, bed frames, mattresses, pillows-all are at risk. Even in my puny-fisted physical state, I've left enough destruction in my wake.
The fact that, more often than not, my anger is directed at inanimate objects is the reason most people (even those close to me) don't know about my issues. Here's a quick test to see if you're safe from my anger: Are you reading this column? Are you a freaky robot-cyborg that can read columns? If you answered "yes" to the first and "no" to the second, you should be safe. Even if you did answer "yes" to the second you should be safe, because I'd have to be crazy to get angry at a cyborg.
The sources of most of my anger comes from video games, faulty electronics and, occasionally, poor-playing sports teams. Out of these, video games are the biggest problem. I'm a pretty competitive person, and I hate losing. When I'm playing with my friends, it's not that bad because, let's face it, I'm usually better than they are and for the most part they are gracious winners, so I can handle the occasional loss. Playing against the computer or people online is a different story. Losing leads to anger, anger leads to playing worse, playing worse leads to more losing, which, in turn, leads to things breaking.
Speaking of which, I usually vent my anger in two different ways: verbal or physical abuse. I'm sure that more than one of my neighbors in Guinan have been stirred from their sleep at 3 a.m. by my muffled curses. My swearing has gotten so bad recently that my Lenten promise the last three years to give up swear words.
While it's video games that most often raise my ire, they rarely suffer the brunt of my anger. After all, if I broke them I couldn't have any more "fun." I did, however, feel safe throwing my old gray-brick Gameboy around, seeing as it was virtually indestructible. Therefore, it's generally the furniture that suffers my wrath. Chairs, desks, tables, books, floors, walls, bed frames, mattresses, pillows-all are at risk. Even in my puny-fisted physical state, I've left enough destruction in my wake.